Let me start this way:

My name is Samie. I am 22 years old, and I have Bipolar type II, characterized by severe depressive moods and hypomania moods. Any manic moods are usually self induced and short lived. I also have moderate anxiety, and I’m sure other things, but I stopped asking.

This blog is about more than depression, bipolar disorder, or even mood disorders. It is an experiment I am conducting. On myself.

What is the experiment?
To determine, on my own, what are the best and worst things to do in order to control my bipolar without medication.

Why no medication?
I was on anti-depressants once for about a year between 17 and 18. I hated it. My depressive moods were not as severe as they were before, but I was also never really happy. I was constantly numb to the world, and in fact I was probably more suicidal when I was on meds than when I was off of them. Because if I have to live life in a fog, what was the point? I tried three different medications on various doses. It was always the same. So I got off my meds and decided to take the good with the bad, come what may.

Then what?

Mad at the world, I spent the next three years living my life how “I wanted to”. I did whatever made me happy at the time, but in reality, it never really did. That’s usually how it works, of course. I’ve half-tried to deal with it for the subsequent year and it caught up with me a few days ago.

The Incident

I had a severe depressive episode. The worst I’ve had in awhile, and it had NO SPECIFIC TRIGGER. I’m not going to go into the details, but I went from super excited about life and everything I was doing to wondering what the best way to kill myself would be. I realized that I have been avoiding my problems for quite some time. Between relationships and dealing with unsatisfying circumstances, I had assumed that my mood swings were more circumstantial rather than psychological. With the sudden and severe mood swing, I realized that was not the case. After yelling at my brother for not caring (despite that he is my primary confidant), I realized that in order to let other people help me, I have to help myself.

Intentions

I am going to update this blog anywhere from once a week to daily. I am going to record my mood for the day, my plans for the day, as well as what I am doing in that day to deal with my bipolar. I want to find out as many ways of dealing with mood disorders as possible without medication. This isn’t  just for me, either. I am sharing this on the internet instead of keeping it to myself because while I am embarrassed to tell people about my disorder, I hope that other people out there who are struggling with depression will be able to benefit from this as well.

Qualifications?

I am not only currently suffering from bipolar disorder, but I have also casually studied psychology for a good portion of my adult life. I have dealt with not only my own bipolar, but I have helped others with their depression and other mood disorders. I am in college, with the intention of getting a PhD in Psychology. I will be focusing on mood disorders. Beyond that, I’m just a person.

Now that I’ve introduced myself, feel free to read through my blog.

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