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The original article, written by Ron Kemp talks about a dad who gets a tattoo in honor of his bisexual son, Dylan. The tattoo says ‘Born This Way’ in Italian, to match his son’s ‘Born This Way’ tattoo.

The video was taken while Dylan was visiting home on spring break. While I’m not going to say more than Ron already did, just watch the video. It is amazing and it makes me cry.

For those who don’t know, circumstances have dictated that I live with my parents. At 22, it’s a bit odd, but with my mood disorders, it is hard to hold a high-paying job as usually these high-paying jobs are stressful. Due to some not too happy life incidents I have debt and such which makes it hard to move out. Not impossible, but with a strong desire to finish college and get a Ph.D. without getting a student loan, it isn’t easy.

So I live with my parents. Not the worst situation, however I have begun to find it more stressful to live with them than not. Let me explain.

One of my biggest problems with friends and with relationships has been with fear of people not accepting me. It hit me very hard today that this is because of my family. While they are not overly condescending, abusive or hateful, there is a distinct lack of acceptance. I do think part of it is because they don’t understand, but there is, again, more to it than that.

This came up because I was having a conversation with my dad. While I do bring up topics that him and I don’t agree on*, I don’t always feel looked down on when I express my opinion with these sorts of things. Well, mostly.

However, during this conversation, he mentioned that I should either “filter my facebook or de-friend him”. I didn’t know what he was talking about, so I asked him why. He said that there were things on there that he thought were offensive/inappropriate and that he didn’t want to see.

I just kind of ‘hmm’ed because I didn’t know what he could be talking about. Well, I later checked my facebook. The only things I post on facebook that could be deemed ‘offensive’ or ‘inappropriate’ are gay-rights and women’s-rights articles.

Now I know it’s not the women’s rights articles (or most of them) that he has an issue with.

It’s the gay-rights stuff.

I am a bisexual woman. I am just as likely (if not more likely due to personal preference), to marry a woman.

My dad has issues with me having the same rights with a woman as with a man.

No, I don’t think he sees it that way. He doesn’t believe that I am bisexual. He never has. It does not help that the psychologist that was assigned to my case while in in-patient treatment while I was 16-17 directly told me that I am not bisexual, but rather try-sexual. As in, “you’ll try anything once”!

Yes, my psychologist told me that when I came out to my family.

My psychologist blatantly and insensitively disregarded my feelings and sexuality when I ‘came out’.

And my parents, I believe, have continued with that belief. I have since had issues telling people about my sexuality as well as getting into relationships with women (because I am afraid of my family finding out and ostracizing me for it or otherwise making me feel worthless for it). I like women, emotionally, more than men, but I am afraid to enter into a relationship with a woman. I have dating bi women, and despite that we are still friends, it was never serious. Any woman who I might enter into a serious relationship with I have not pursued for fear.

I have slowly been opening up to people about my sexuality, but it has been tough.

I had a friend who introduced me (without my consent) to a girl as bisexual, where upon she told me not to have a crush on her because she wasn’t into girls.

My ex-boyfriend had trust issues because he was afraid that I’d leave him for a woman.

I’ve had lesbians say they would never date a bisexual woman.

I’ve been told that I just say that to get guys’ attention.

I have had my sexuality disregarded by many people. My parents included.

I am afraid of what will happen when they realize that I really am bisexual. I do not suspect anything abusive, but I may be kicked out. After all, when they found out that I was sexually active, they sent me to an inpatient treatment center for 17 months and we moved to a different state.

So I am going to be saving my money, paying off my debt, and moving out as soon as possible. Then when I ‘come out’ to them again, I won’t have to worry about ending up with no place to live.

 

 

 

 

*(in this case the whole debate about making religious employers cover hormone contraceptive pill, which is largely because it would effect me, as a sufferer of PCOS who medicates with birth control in order to have the chance to have kids someday)

 

The blog is called the Depression Adventurer, after all. Based on silly Dungeons and Dragons obsession.

So. Today I gained expereince points. Like a geek.

I went to a bar.

Alone.

To go to a fundraiser for a cause I support.

Now this is a big deal because I have anxiety. Social anxiety, actually, and I will often get panic attacks when I’m in a crowd alone. But I didn’t!

The biggest part that made me very nervous, though, besides the natural social anxiety, was that it was a lesbian bar. That I’ve been wanting to go to, but I feel silly going by myself, and I don’t want to drag a straight girl with me (and make her feel uncomfortable), or, obviously, a guy.

But I went, I had a couple drinks (didn’t even get tipsy), sat by myself despite that I got there an hour early.

I didn’t leave before it started (even though it started an hour late.)

And! Best of all! I got invited to sit with a group of cute girls. 🙂 That part really made my night! Seriously, made my night. I mean, I didn’t flirt or anything or even really talk much besides introducing myself, but it was fun nonetheless.

And I got to see my first drag show! With Drag Kings and Drag Queens and most of the funds were donated to Slutwalk SL,UT. Overall, good night. Had fun. Now to tally the experience points!

 

Going to a bar: 50

Alone: 1000

It was a lesbian bar: 500

Got there two hours before the show and stayed there: 2000

Got invited to a table with cute girls: 700

Stayed until the end of the show: 2500

Left right after the show: -500

Total: 6,250

 

Of course, now I need to figure out how many experience points I need to level up… Hm…

 

I can hide who I am, not let anybody see, lie and pretend. I’ve done it all my life. I don’t assert that I’m bisexual, I rarely tell people at all. I had one year in school where I wore baggy cloth, cut my hair short and was called “tranny” by my peers. I never said I was a guy. I was wearing what was in fashion. Without wearing clothes that were too tight, as I always got unwanted attention for my chest. I was only thirteen. I didn’t want to be called a slut, either.

I know how to play the roles they assign to me. I can act and I can fool them. I play my role when I need to.

And the melancholy claws at my soul.

I can pretend I don’t like girls. Or I can pretend I don’t like guys. I can pretend that my gender is perfectly normal and in line with my sex.

I can pretend that I don’t love sex and don’t want to have it. That I don’t like it. That when it’s forced on me it’s doesn’t destroy me.

I lie so well, I often think ‘I could be a spy’! It’d be fun. My masks would serve a purpose beyond saving face. Beyond protecting me from pain.

I’ve only had rocks thrown at me for trying to be me. I’ve never been beaten for it. I’ve only had words cast my way. I’ve never been ostracized for it.

I’ve never been alone. I always had someone to turn to. I always had people who understood. Even if it didn’t make sense to them.

I’ve never gone to the hospital because of someone I love. Just a few bruises, nothing too bad. I got out of it before it got too bad.

I’ve never worried about the safety of my children, because I’ve never had them.

I’ve never had to make the hard choice between keeping a secret… And keeping someone safe. I’ve never had to tell people I just fell off the swing, or ran into a door. That’s never been my lie.

I can pretend I’m happy, and content, and that nothing is wrong.

It’s easy. Because nothing’s gotten too bad.

But I shouldn’t have to.

No one should.

But I know I’ve had it easy. Because there are people who can’t pretend. Who are cast out and aside and scorned and hated for things they can’t change. And as I’ve only touched on these things. Only felt the briefest edge of them. I know that it’s hard.

So I work to make it so no one has to go through it. I only ask that others do the same.

 

Love,

Samie ❤