I can hide who I am, not let anybody see, lie and pretend. I’ve done it all my life. I don’t assert that I’m bisexual, I rarely tell people at all. I had one year in school where I wore baggy cloth, cut my hair short and was called “tranny” by my peers. I never said I was a guy. I was wearing what was in fashion. Without wearing clothes that were too tight, as I always got unwanted attention for my chest. I was only thirteen. I didn’t want to be called a slut, either.

I know how to play the roles they assign to me. I can act and I can fool them. I play my role when I need to.

And the melancholy claws at my soul.

I can pretend I don’t like girls. Or I can pretend I don’t like guys. I can pretend that my gender is perfectly normal and in line with my sex.

I can pretend that I don’t love sex and don’t want to have it. That I don’t like it. That when it’s forced on me it’s doesn’t destroy me.

I lie so well, I often think ‘I could be a spy’! It’d be fun. My masks would serve a purpose beyond saving face. Beyond protecting me from pain.

I’ve only had rocks thrown at me for trying to be me. I’ve never been beaten for it. I’ve only had words cast my way. I’ve never been ostracized for it.

I’ve never been alone. I always had someone to turn to. I always had people who understood. Even if it didn’t make sense to them.

I’ve never gone to the hospital because of someone I love. Just a few bruises, nothing too bad. I got out of it before it got too bad.

I’ve never worried about the safety of my children, because I’ve never had them.

I’ve never had to make the hard choice between keeping a secret… And keeping someone safe. I’ve never had to tell people I just fell off the swing, or ran into a door. That’s never been my lie.

I can pretend I’m happy, and content, and that nothing is wrong.

It’s easy. Because nothing’s gotten too bad.

But I shouldn’t have to.

No one should.

But I know I’ve had it easy. Because there are people who can’t pretend. Who are cast out and aside and scorned and hated for things they can’t change. And as I’ve only touched on these things. Only felt the briefest edge of them. I know that it’s hard.

So I work to make it so no one has to go through it. I only ask that others do the same.

 

Love,

Samie ❤

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