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Continued from “Camping Trip“. I said I would put it in a separate post.

I realized something while talking to two of my guy friends.

I keep to myself about certain things- mostly those things that a lot of people find easier to talk about with friends. For example? I do not share my beliefs with my friends as a general rule. This came up because we were talking about one of my guy friends is the most faithful person in the group, and it came up that well, I have never shared in any real detail, what I have faith in.

And I kind of refused to explain it to them. Not in a rude way, but I explained that I don’t talk about such things with a lot of people. I may have offended my ‘faithful’ guy friend, however. He didn’t push too much, but he said “well I’m not just anyone” or something to that effect. Whether he actually was or not, I don’t know, it’s hard to tell with him. Either way, I can understand it. He’s the faithful/religious member of our ‘group’, I am [or to him, I claim to be] much the same. [Though I see it as more spiritual than religious, but we’ll not get into the details of the difference.] And I am pretty much refusing and avoiding telling him about my beliefs.

It shows a lack of trust, which is obvious. Though the why isn’t. There is a long story and a better explanation in some of my previous posts, but the short of it is that I have been mocked because of my faith. So, since I consider it personal regardless, why bother sharing it with others?

Especially since my friend, as much as I care for him, is prone to being judgmental himself. He also mocks me [in a friendly, joking way] often, and I have become quite convinced that he [in addition to my other friend, the two are roommates], has a very specific idea of who I am, and it is not who I think I am. I act rather playful, ditzy and oblivious. I don’t often show them much of who I am for two reasons:

The first is they tend to like to talk. And talk, and talk. Right over my own quiet voice. And of course, they’re always right, and fairly sure of it, as well. The second is because they continue to make comments that confirm what I believe: that their idea of who I am is already quite firm. Apparently, I am easily distracted by shiny things and immature. Most of this came about from our first campaign in D&D, where that was the character I played. Now they seem to transpose this on me. So I feel the need to continue this charade.

A third, which may seem a bit silly to some, is I do not hug them. I don’t know why it ended up this way, but the truth is, I do not hug them, I often times even feel awkward about it. I feel awkward wanting to give a hug, and I also feel awkward not hugging them. It’s fairly essential in many of my friendships and I don’t know where it got cut off in my friendships with either of them.

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So this weekend I went camping in Zion National Park with some friends. We spent two nights, hiked three trails [technically four trails, depending on how you look at the different trails, but they were three separate hikes at the very least], and it was amazing.

We arrived Friday Evening in Hurricane, UT, where we camped at Sand Hollow Reservoir [a UT State Park]. We didn’t do any hiking that day, and instead ended up cooking sausages and s’mores and talking and going to bed pretty early. But it was while talking to my guy friends that I realized something that I will explain in a second post. [It got too long for one post.]

The second day was equally amazing, though far more tiring. We did a couple hikes. The first one was Angel’s Landing. It was partially hard because this was my first time really testing out my  Merrell Barefoot Shoes that I’d gotten in Hawai’i. I’d been wearing them quite often after I got them, but I’ve never worn them hiking before. So never at an incline, really. My calves had to get used to the new muscles I was using for the hike.

By the time my muscles had adjusted, my body was starting to fatigue. It was a difficult climb, as the website suggests, but largely because of the last half. Just when you’re starting to get tired. That’s when you hit the hard part. I was taking up the end of our group and having to stop frequently because I’m not quite in the shape for that sort of thing. And really, the part that some people have trouble with, the narrow path over sheer cliffs- I had no problem with. The shoes definitely helped with the parts that we half-way bouldering.

It was amazing to get to the top of Angel’s Landing. One of my friends thought that we likely wouldn’t all make it. [Largely because of his sister and me, as we’re rather inexperienced.] But we all did. I was rather proud of myself.

We then went to Emerald Pools, another trail nearby, which had an easy trail followed by a moderate one to get all the way to the top. [There are three pools.] It was a dry year, so they weren’t very full. It was beautiful none the less, however.

We went to Bumbleberry Inn to have dinner and went to bed pretty early.

The next morning I got up early because my friend and his sister wanted to get back into home pretty early and I was sharing a tent with her. I didn’t mind though. I helped with packing everything up and got to watch the sunrise and meditate.

We then went on one last hike- Timber Creek Ovelook. A moderate hike that only took an hour long. Of course, the three of us remaining were all still sore from the day before, but we got to stop and take pictures.

It was an amazing trip and I was really glad I was able to do it. It definitely reignited my desire to go hiking and to go camping. Now I have to go again.

And because I feel like it:

Completing Strenous level hike: +1000

Completing Moderate level hike: +500 (x2)

Completing Easy Hike: +100

Sleeping two nights in overly windy campsite: +100

 

No, just busy. There is a few updates to follow through here.

First off I have, it seems, somewhat gotten back together with my ex-boyfriend. Long story there, but we’re sort of trying it casual. Or we were supposed to. It hasn’t really worked out that way. Due to his family life, he doesn’t want to spend time with them, instead, he spends time with me. Not his other friends, and this is because he only has a few at the moment. I need to get him to hang out with his other friends, because I have little time when for writing when he is here.

There are a lot of reasons for this, but the basics are: I do think it’s rude of me to be writing when I have someone over, and I do not trust him not to get upset by what I write. Especially when it comes to this blog, and obviously, that does not lead to a happy person. Being worried about what you’re writing is making people upset. Having to try and hide the computer screen. It’s definitely not something I like doing.

I definitely need to talk to him about this. I am so stressed when I am wanting to write and he is around, and I feel guilty, and concerned and agitated. When he is around in general, to be honest.

So, secondly, there was another boy who I was sort of dating, and he too has become more stressful than fun. Texting and at time almost nagging to hang out, or chat.

And a third person who is more often stressful than fun for many of the same reasons.

My issue is figuring out whether it’s because I’m introverted (and therefore I am more relaxed when by myself) that they’re stressing me out with their presence, or if it’s because they’re simply too dependent. Or if it’s a mix of both. I’m simply unsure.

My interactions with people, I will freely admit, have always been a bit messed up. It got significantly worse when I went through inpatient treatment.

Why would an inpatient treatment center give me such issues? Well, sadly, it is because I was mocked.  For many different things, most of which stem from expressing myself.

I’m sure that the counselors were well intentioned and did not mean to mock me, but the patronizing tone they took when I said I was bisexual [and having it “explained” to me that I was not bisexual, but ‘try-sexual’] was liking not meant to be harmful, but his honest belief.

The mocking, chuckling disbelief when I explained that I believe in reincarnation [in a center filled largely with Christians, or at the very least, of the Abrahamic religions]. The constant questioning of my spiritual beliefs and the constant push towards a more ‘acceptable’ religious viewpoint. The constant opinion that I won’t be happy until I join the religion that my parents belong to. [Despite that it has caused me endless grief and sadness.]

The constant shaming of anyone who was different.

I understand that it is because of the program. That because many of the people who went through it were drug addicts, or otherwise genuinely troubled in such a way that the ‘tough love’ method worked.

I was not one of these people. I came into the program where my biggest issue was low self-esteem and depression.

I do believe that this affected how I interacted with people. For example, I was always shy, but until then, I had never had a panic attack due to social situations. Now people scare me. While before it was largely more crowds than anything else [being trampled, to be exact]. Now I become fearful in many social situations.

I’ll explain more later, perhaps. Once I’ve had time to think of it.

I’ve been working as a freelance writer for almost a year. Off and on, and I haven’t gotten much work (or, to be honest, tried very hard), since the new year started.

So I’ve also been applying for jobs. I would like a writing job where I can work full-time, not have to worry about marketing my services, and get paid a decent amount of money. I’m already making over $10/hr at my current (part-time) job, and I can usually get a minimum of $15-$20/hr freelancing, so I’m also a little picky on the pay scale.

However, my last two interviews I ended up having panic attacks and cancelling them. Not a good idea, I know, but luckily neither were great jobs anyways so not getting them isn’t a big deal.

Recently, however, I have changed my career path. Instead of trying to apply for staff writing jobs, I decided to apply for some youth counselor jobs. Including an awesome job at an inpatient treatment center for at-risk adolescent girls. It’s a pretty awesome job, to be honest. I would absolutely love it. Since I intend to get a Psychology degree, and I love to help others, it would easily be a great job for me.

I know that I could do this for quite some time. I went to an inpatient treatment center when I was sixteen for seventeen months. I could not stand the place, and to be honest, the only thing that got me through those seventeen months was helping others there and learning new things about psychology.

So wish me luck