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Marching on, I have downloaded Spotify on my phone and made a special list of classical music to sleep to. Mostly Piano, but also some violin, flute and other instruments. So far, it has definitely helped me sleep.

While I have still woken up, it hasn’t been nearly as much as normal. (2-3 times compared to 6-10. Not joking.) Still not the greatest sleep in the world, but for me, a chronic insomniac, this is great.
Happiness level has still so far only been minimally effected. I believe that sleeping well will help, but it will not do everything, of course. I wake up better, but I still end up irritable, easily annoyed, frustrated and depressed.

Intelligence is still largely neutral, but I am still doing good with Words with Friends, silly as that seems. My mind also seems to want to read a lot, so that is promising. But without any difficult problems coming my way, it’s hard to assess right now.

Creativity is up, but slightly. Still having issues dealing with writing while people are around, so it’s hard to say if creativity is really up since I haven’t had much time to test it out.

 

Overall, sleeping to classical music sounds good. Perhaps I will look up some research as well…

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[Continued from Sleeping Classically ]

1pm: Last night, I decided to try it again. Except this time I changed the station on Pandora from general ‘Classical’ to ‘Classical Solo Piano’. I think it did much better. I was able to sleep while it was on. It was not overly stimulating, (therefore not keeping me awake), and while the volume would change some from song to song, it was not as dramatic as the night before.

I woke up in a fairly good mood (though my alarm may have also helped, Doctor Who quote of “You are beautiful. No really, you’re gorgeous.”), even though I still didn’t want to go to work that much. I don’t feel any more creative today, though I’ve been doing decently at ‘Words with Friends’ (It’s like Scrabble.) Still a bit early to tell.

10pm: So, not a bad day or anti-creative or anything of the sort, but not excellent. Tonight I’m going to find relaxing piano specifically to listen to for the night, see how that goes.

So far, status: Happiness looking good.
Intelligence is neutral, but hopeful.
Creativity is unaffected this far.
Sleep was looking the best though.

So my last few posts have been about my dear friend who passed away. Yesterday was the memorial and I flew in from out of town to attend. While there are so many things that I wish I could have done, while anger boiled up within me, wanting to blame people for what they had done, I didn’t. I couldn’t. Despite that I could clearly see that there were some people who had not helped her when they thought they were, they had good intentions.

And in the face of this tragedy, I could not scold them that ‘the path to hell is paved with good intentions’. It was not my place. I was not there to help and I do not have a thorough assessment of what was going on. I have bits and pieces and what she told me. I have what I’ve learned since then. None of it is complete, and I want to blame someone, including myself, that it happened.

But that doesn’t help anyone. Not at all. So I’m trying to do something with it.

I already mentioned before that I wanted to get my degree in Psychology. That is still the plan right now, I am merely figuring out the logistics of it. Which school and such. Since I am likely going to have to get a student loan anyways, it makes little difference anymore of the where besides what the college and the area offers.

So I may be moving to accomplish my goals. Which sounds fun.

This topic is currently very sensitive to me. With my dear friend’s recent suicide, I believe this contributed to her depression. Therefore I feel the need to reiterate. The path to happiness, the quest out of depression, is personal.

No two people will find their peace in life in the same manner.

For some, it will be religion, for others, it will be family, or friends, or finding their passion and embracing it with open arms. It will be similar for many people, but two families are not alike, two friends are not twins. As people are so vastly different, so must their journeys be.

This means that you cannot force your path to happiness on anyone else. You cannot tell them that the only way to happiness is “blank”. It is simply not true, and sometimes it can even make things worse for others.

I will say that those of religion are often the biggest offenders in this matter. I believe that it is because religion gives many people such a sense of peace that they do not see how it cannot give others even a small piece of it. The path to happiness through God or through religion is often so dramatic, so instant compared to the others, that it is easy to see why one would believe that it is indeed the best path.

And while I will not go into the folly of an absolute religion, those who tout theirs must realize that many people find their happiness in other religions, in other methods. There are people who found their happiness through Christianity. Some through Judaism, Buddhism, even Atheism. Some found their happiness through their family, some through their best friend or lover. Some have even found it in solitude, in passions such as acting, running, or painting.

The paths to happiness are as varied as the people seeking them. Always remember to keep that in mind when helping others on their quest. You cannot force them onto your quest.

I found out today that a very dear friend of mine committed suicide. I have spoken with her many times about her struggle with depression. I have shared with her my own struggle, and we had talked about many, many things. I loved her with all my heart, and I am very sad about her passing.

I had not been updating my own blog with updates, advice or, really, anything, lately.

I am now committed to change that.

I am now committed to updating this blog, to working on my quests.

Not for myself, as I don’t always need to write and keep a regular update in order to stave off sadness, but for others. For the same reason that the It Gets Better Project exists. For the same reason that any of us sit and talk to our friends when they need us.

I will admit, I feel as if I didn’t do enough for her. I lived states away, and despite knowing of her suicidal thoughts, I did not talk to her as often as I could have. I did not remind her of what she means to me every chance I got.

I will now regret that every day of my life.

Suicide is one of those things. Many people see it as a last resort. Many people use it, and while it may end their pain, it hurts others. While I do not believe in sin, it is selfish.

While we can help those who are contemplating it, while we can support them, love them, pray for them, and do whatever is in our power for them, they are the ones who make the choice in the end. They are the only ones who can decide if the pain is too great for them to bear.

I have lost too many friends to suicide. I can only hope they found peace.

And I can do my best to help others who are contemplating suicide, who are depressed. I will do my best to help others who need it. I will be posting more information on the how as I determine that.

Much Love. -Samie

My dear Lici.
I love you with all my heart and I will miss you dearly. You were one of my best friends. Words cannot describe how much you meant to me, with all we’ve been through. I will remember your sweet face, your kind smile, your infectious laugh, your curious intelligence, your amazing art and the love you had for others. I loved spending time with you, going to your house, listening to music, drawing and talking. There is no one memory, because every memory was amazing.
I remember meeting you, at Leota, and wanting to be your friend because of your warm, bubbly, upbeat personality. I remember your silly jokes and our long philosophical discussions. I have collections of artwork you gave to me that I will treasure always.
I wish I could have been there for you more. You will always hold a special place in my heart. I hope you’ve found the peace you seek.
All my Love,
Samie

 

Continued from “Camping Trip“. I said I would put it in a separate post.

I realized something while talking to two of my guy friends.

I keep to myself about certain things- mostly those things that a lot of people find easier to talk about with friends. For example? I do not share my beliefs with my friends as a general rule. This came up because we were talking about one of my guy friends is the most faithful person in the group, and it came up that well, I have never shared in any real detail, what I have faith in.

And I kind of refused to explain it to them. Not in a rude way, but I explained that I don’t talk about such things with a lot of people. I may have offended my ‘faithful’ guy friend, however. He didn’t push too much, but he said “well I’m not just anyone” or something to that effect. Whether he actually was or not, I don’t know, it’s hard to tell with him. Either way, I can understand it. He’s the faithful/religious member of our ‘group’, I am [or to him, I claim to be] much the same. [Though I see it as more spiritual than religious, but we’ll not get into the details of the difference.] And I am pretty much refusing and avoiding telling him about my beliefs.

It shows a lack of trust, which is obvious. Though the why isn’t. There is a long story and a better explanation in some of my previous posts, but the short of it is that I have been mocked because of my faith. So, since I consider it personal regardless, why bother sharing it with others?

Especially since my friend, as much as I care for him, is prone to being judgmental himself. He also mocks me [in a friendly, joking way] often, and I have become quite convinced that he [in addition to my other friend, the two are roommates], has a very specific idea of who I am, and it is not who I think I am. I act rather playful, ditzy and oblivious. I don’t often show them much of who I am for two reasons:

The first is they tend to like to talk. And talk, and talk. Right over my own quiet voice. And of course, they’re always right, and fairly sure of it, as well. The second is because they continue to make comments that confirm what I believe: that their idea of who I am is already quite firm. Apparently, I am easily distracted by shiny things and immature. Most of this came about from our first campaign in D&D, where that was the character I played. Now they seem to transpose this on me. So I feel the need to continue this charade.

A third, which may seem a bit silly to some, is I do not hug them. I don’t know why it ended up this way, but the truth is, I do not hug them, I often times even feel awkward about it. I feel awkward wanting to give a hug, and I also feel awkward not hugging them. It’s fairly essential in many of my friendships and I don’t know where it got cut off in my friendships with either of them.

No, just busy. There is a few updates to follow through here.

First off I have, it seems, somewhat gotten back together with my ex-boyfriend. Long story there, but we’re sort of trying it casual. Or we were supposed to. It hasn’t really worked out that way. Due to his family life, he doesn’t want to spend time with them, instead, he spends time with me. Not his other friends, and this is because he only has a few at the moment. I need to get him to hang out with his other friends, because I have little time when for writing when he is here.

There are a lot of reasons for this, but the basics are: I do think it’s rude of me to be writing when I have someone over, and I do not trust him not to get upset by what I write. Especially when it comes to this blog, and obviously, that does not lead to a happy person. Being worried about what you’re writing is making people upset. Having to try and hide the computer screen. It’s definitely not something I like doing.

I definitely need to talk to him about this. I am so stressed when I am wanting to write and he is around, and I feel guilty, and concerned and agitated. When he is around in general, to be honest.

So, secondly, there was another boy who I was sort of dating, and he too has become more stressful than fun. Texting and at time almost nagging to hang out, or chat.

And a third person who is more often stressful than fun for many of the same reasons.

My issue is figuring out whether it’s because I’m introverted (and therefore I am more relaxed when by myself) that they’re stressing me out with their presence, or if it’s because they’re simply too dependent. Or if it’s a mix of both. I’m simply unsure.

My interactions with people, I will freely admit, have always been a bit messed up. It got significantly worse when I went through inpatient treatment.

Why would an inpatient treatment center give me such issues? Well, sadly, it is because I was mocked.  For many different things, most of which stem from expressing myself.

I’m sure that the counselors were well intentioned and did not mean to mock me, but the patronizing tone they took when I said I was bisexual [and having it “explained” to me that I was not bisexual, but ‘try-sexual’] was liking not meant to be harmful, but his honest belief.

The mocking, chuckling disbelief when I explained that I believe in reincarnation [in a center filled largely with Christians, or at the very least, of the Abrahamic religions]. The constant questioning of my spiritual beliefs and the constant push towards a more ‘acceptable’ religious viewpoint. The constant opinion that I won’t be happy until I join the religion that my parents belong to. [Despite that it has caused me endless grief and sadness.]

The constant shaming of anyone who was different.

I understand that it is because of the program. That because many of the people who went through it were drug addicts, or otherwise genuinely troubled in such a way that the ‘tough love’ method worked.

I was not one of these people. I came into the program where my biggest issue was low self-esteem and depression.

I do believe that this affected how I interacted with people. For example, I was always shy, but until then, I had never had a panic attack due to social situations. Now people scare me. While before it was largely more crowds than anything else [being trampled, to be exact]. Now I become fearful in many social situations.

I’ll explain more later, perhaps. Once I’ve had time to think of it.

I’ve been working as a freelance writer for almost a year. Off and on, and I haven’t gotten much work (or, to be honest, tried very hard), since the new year started.

So I’ve also been applying for jobs. I would like a writing job where I can work full-time, not have to worry about marketing my services, and get paid a decent amount of money. I’m already making over $10/hr at my current (part-time) job, and I can usually get a minimum of $15-$20/hr freelancing, so I’m also a little picky on the pay scale.

However, my last two interviews I ended up having panic attacks and cancelling them. Not a good idea, I know, but luckily neither were great jobs anyways so not getting them isn’t a big deal.

Recently, however, I have changed my career path. Instead of trying to apply for staff writing jobs, I decided to apply for some youth counselor jobs. Including an awesome job at an inpatient treatment center for at-risk adolescent girls. It’s a pretty awesome job, to be honest. I would absolutely love it. Since I intend to get a Psychology degree, and I love to help others, it would easily be a great job for me.

I know that I could do this for quite some time. I went to an inpatient treatment center when I was sixteen for seventeen months. I could not stand the place, and to be honest, the only thing that got me through those seventeen months was helping others there and learning new things about psychology.

So wish me luck

For those who don’t know, circumstances have dictated that I live with my parents. At 22, it’s a bit odd, but with my mood disorders, it is hard to hold a high-paying job as usually these high-paying jobs are stressful. Due to some not too happy life incidents I have debt and such which makes it hard to move out. Not impossible, but with a strong desire to finish college and get a Ph.D. without getting a student loan, it isn’t easy.

So I live with my parents. Not the worst situation, however I have begun to find it more stressful to live with them than not. Let me explain.

One of my biggest problems with friends and with relationships has been with fear of people not accepting me. It hit me very hard today that this is because of my family. While they are not overly condescending, abusive or hateful, there is a distinct lack of acceptance. I do think part of it is because they don’t understand, but there is, again, more to it than that.

This came up because I was having a conversation with my dad. While I do bring up topics that him and I don’t agree on*, I don’t always feel looked down on when I express my opinion with these sorts of things. Well, mostly.

However, during this conversation, he mentioned that I should either “filter my facebook or de-friend him”. I didn’t know what he was talking about, so I asked him why. He said that there were things on there that he thought were offensive/inappropriate and that he didn’t want to see.

I just kind of ‘hmm’ed because I didn’t know what he could be talking about. Well, I later checked my facebook. The only things I post on facebook that could be deemed ‘offensive’ or ‘inappropriate’ are gay-rights and women’s-rights articles.

Now I know it’s not the women’s rights articles (or most of them) that he has an issue with.

It’s the gay-rights stuff.

I am a bisexual woman. I am just as likely (if not more likely due to personal preference), to marry a woman.

My dad has issues with me having the same rights with a woman as with a man.

No, I don’t think he sees it that way. He doesn’t believe that I am bisexual. He never has. It does not help that the psychologist that was assigned to my case while in in-patient treatment while I was 16-17 directly told me that I am not bisexual, but rather try-sexual. As in, “you’ll try anything once”!

Yes, my psychologist told me that when I came out to my family.

My psychologist blatantly and insensitively disregarded my feelings and sexuality when I ‘came out’.

And my parents, I believe, have continued with that belief. I have since had issues telling people about my sexuality as well as getting into relationships with women (because I am afraid of my family finding out and ostracizing me for it or otherwise making me feel worthless for it). I like women, emotionally, more than men, but I am afraid to enter into a relationship with a woman. I have dating bi women, and despite that we are still friends, it was never serious. Any woman who I might enter into a serious relationship with I have not pursued for fear.

I have slowly been opening up to people about my sexuality, but it has been tough.

I had a friend who introduced me (without my consent) to a girl as bisexual, where upon she told me not to have a crush on her because she wasn’t into girls.

My ex-boyfriend had trust issues because he was afraid that I’d leave him for a woman.

I’ve had lesbians say they would never date a bisexual woman.

I’ve been told that I just say that to get guys’ attention.

I have had my sexuality disregarded by many people. My parents included.

I am afraid of what will happen when they realize that I really am bisexual. I do not suspect anything abusive, but I may be kicked out. After all, when they found out that I was sexually active, they sent me to an inpatient treatment center for 17 months and we moved to a different state.

So I am going to be saving my money, paying off my debt, and moving out as soon as possible. Then when I ‘come out’ to them again, I won’t have to worry about ending up with no place to live.

 

 

 

 

*(in this case the whole debate about making religious employers cover hormone contraceptive pill, which is largely because it would effect me, as a sufferer of PCOS who medicates with birth control in order to have the chance to have kids someday)