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The blog is called the Depression Adventurer, after all. Based on silly Dungeons and Dragons obsession.

So. Today I gained expereince points. Like a geek.

I went to a bar.

Alone.

To go to a fundraiser for a cause I support.

Now this is a big deal because I have anxiety. Social anxiety, actually, and I will often get panic attacks when I’m in a crowd alone. But I didn’t!

The biggest part that made me very nervous, though, besides the natural social anxiety, was that it was a lesbian bar. That I’ve been wanting to go to, but I feel silly going by myself, and I don’t want to drag a straight girl with me (and make her feel uncomfortable), or, obviously, a guy.

But I went, I had a couple drinks (didn’t even get tipsy), sat by myself despite that I got there an hour early.

I didn’t leave before it started (even though it started an hour late.)

And! Best of all! I got invited to sit with a group of cute girls. 🙂 That part really made my night! Seriously, made my night. I mean, I didn’t flirt or anything or even really talk much besides introducing myself, but it was fun nonetheless.

And I got to see my first drag show! With Drag Kings and Drag Queens and most of the funds were donated to Slutwalk SL,UT. Overall, good night. Had fun. Now to tally the experience points!

 

Going to a bar: 50

Alone: 1000

It was a lesbian bar: 500

Got there two hours before the show and stayed there: 2000

Got invited to a table with cute girls: 700

Stayed until the end of the show: 2500

Left right after the show: -500

Total: 6,250

 

Of course, now I need to figure out how many experience points I need to level up… Hm…

 

I can hide who I am, not let anybody see, lie and pretend. I’ve done it all my life. I don’t assert that I’m bisexual, I rarely tell people at all. I had one year in school where I wore baggy cloth, cut my hair short and was called “tranny” by my peers. I never said I was a guy. I was wearing what was in fashion. Without wearing clothes that were too tight, as I always got unwanted attention for my chest. I was only thirteen. I didn’t want to be called a slut, either.

I know how to play the roles they assign to me. I can act and I can fool them. I play my role when I need to.

And the melancholy claws at my soul.

I can pretend I don’t like girls. Or I can pretend I don’t like guys. I can pretend that my gender is perfectly normal and in line with my sex.

I can pretend that I don’t love sex and don’t want to have it. That I don’t like it. That when it’s forced on me it’s doesn’t destroy me.

I lie so well, I often think ‘I could be a spy’! It’d be fun. My masks would serve a purpose beyond saving face. Beyond protecting me from pain.

I’ve only had rocks thrown at me for trying to be me. I’ve never been beaten for it. I’ve only had words cast my way. I’ve never been ostracized for it.

I’ve never been alone. I always had someone to turn to. I always had people who understood. Even if it didn’t make sense to them.

I’ve never gone to the hospital because of someone I love. Just a few bruises, nothing too bad. I got out of it before it got too bad.

I’ve never worried about the safety of my children, because I’ve never had them.

I’ve never had to make the hard choice between keeping a secret… And keeping someone safe. I’ve never had to tell people I just fell off the swing, or ran into a door. That’s never been my lie.

I can pretend I’m happy, and content, and that nothing is wrong.

It’s easy. Because nothing’s gotten too bad.

But I shouldn’t have to.

No one should.

But I know I’ve had it easy. Because there are people who can’t pretend. Who are cast out and aside and scorned and hated for things they can’t change. And as I’ve only touched on these things. Only felt the briefest edge of them. I know that it’s hard.

So I work to make it so no one has to go through it. I only ask that others do the same.

 

Love,

Samie ❤

I’ll have a real update later today, but I wanted to share this song right now.

 

 

This is my friend’s band, RaeRe. Great music!
 
Definitely a good feeling to it for me. 🙂

I just wanted to share this video and poem with all of you. I am also including the youtube descriptionin it.

A video by fiilmaker, Andrea Dorfman, and poet/singer/songwriter, Tanya Davis.

Davis wrote the beautiful poem and performed in the video which Dorfman directed, shot, animated by hand and edited. The video was shot in Halifax, Nova Scotia and was produced by Bravo!FACT http://www.bravofact.com/

For more information on Tanya, go to http://www.tanyadavis.ca or visit her facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/Tanya-Davis/8063194647?ref=sgm You can purchase her first two CDs Make A List and Gorgeous Morning on iTunes and look out for her third CD which will be released in the fall!

For more information on Andrea Dorfman, visit her facebook page http://www.facebook.com/pages/Andrea-Dorfman-Films/110789945626226?ref=mf or http://www.andreadorfman.com

This video was shot on a Panasonic HVX 200 and the animation was hand drawn+painted and then scanned into Adobe After Effects, exported as QTs and edited on FCP.

HOW TO BE ALONE by Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You’re not supposed to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.

There’s also the gym. If you’re shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in (guitar stroke).

And there’s public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there’s prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you’re hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously (electric guitar plucking) based on your avoid being alone principals.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they — like you — will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You’re no less intriguing a person when you’re eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching…because, they’re probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there’re always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might’ve never happened had you not been there by yourself

Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one’s in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.

Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school’s groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you’re happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It’s okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be releived, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach.

And it doesn’t mean you’re not connected, that communitie’s not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn’t get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.

you could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

While I said I am only going to do five a night, I have some catching up to do and I’m feeling down. So here goes!

Goals will be five for tomorrow, five for the week.

I am thankful for: the oppurtunity to meet new people, making new friends, actually getting to hang out with a female friend, Applebee’s Bahama Mamas (YUM!), having a working car, having enough money to pay for the things I need, having a steady job, my success so far in running my own business, that my writing books came in, that I have a warm house for the winter, that I am going to be playing D&D tomorrow, a brother that will text me when I don’t show up, amusing webcomics that update on time, a mother who makes dinner, preparing food to eat in advance, friends who will help with my goals, my brother getting married in three months, his amazing fiance, winter clothing.

I am: beautiful, interesting, funny, intelligent, witty, charming, friendly, successful, capable, well-read, informed, active, talented, stylish, well dressed, likable, creative, inspired, curious, musical, casual.

Goals: Tomorrow I will: Finish my article for freelancing. Write a post for my main blog. Write a post for my fiction blog. Write 10,000 words for NaNoWriMo. Have fun hanging out with my friends.

This week (by 11/27) I will: Get up to 45,000 for NaNoWriMo. Set up my game plan for next week for marketing. Prep all necessary marketing. Finish Reading ‘Productive Writer’. Exercise every day.

While I was reading up on the blogs I follow, I stumbled upon Carol Tice’s article titled How to Eliminate All Your Freelance Writing Obstacles.

Despite that the article is intended for writer and may not apply to everyone, it has a very important idea in it. If you’re feeling miserable, most of the time you need some perspective.

It’s a simple concept, but she goes on to talk about one way to gain perspective is to make a gratitude list. Just in time for Thanksgiving, too.

Basically, gain perspective in life by saying what you are grateful for. Simple. In fact, it’s something that I’ve been made to do before. When I was in treatment, every night we would write 5 ‘I am thankful for…’, statements, as well as 5 ‘I am…’ statements and 5 ‘Tomorrow I will…’

It’s a silly idea, but a good one, and I’m going to start doing it now. I’m going to start doing it every night. Right now, however, I’ll just make a gratitude list. Feel free to join me in this, the only snags: for ‘I am…” and ‘I am thankful for…’ you cannot repeat yourself within the same month. Mind, you can use synonyms and such, but you can’t write the exact same statements on either. It helps self-esteem and perspective and keeps you from becoming robotic with it.

I have a wonderful family and friends, that are supportive of my career path and goals.

I have an amazing best friend who loves me for who I am and is willing to listen to me about everything.

I have an awesome brother who will let me ramble and cheer me up through jokes.

I am fortunate to make enough money to support myself and put myself through college.

I have wonderful, cuddly cats that like to sleep with me.

I am achieving things that I didn’t even know I could do- through my own choices and determination.

 

That’s it for now. 🙂