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No, just busy. There is a few updates to follow through here.

First off I have, it seems, somewhat gotten back together with my ex-boyfriend. Long story there, but we’re sort of trying it casual. Or we were supposed to. It hasn’t really worked out that way. Due to his family life, he doesn’t want to spend time with them, instead, he spends time with me. Not his other friends, and this is because he only has a few at the moment. I need to get him to hang out with his other friends, because I have little time when for writing when he is here.

There are a lot of reasons for this, but the basics are: I do think it’s rude of me to be writing when I have someone over, and I do not trust him not to get upset by what I write. Especially when it comes to this blog, and obviously, that does not lead to a happy person. Being worried about what you’re writing is making people upset. Having to try and hide the computer screen. It’s definitely not something I like doing.

I definitely need to talk to him about this. I am so stressed when I am wanting to write and he is around, and I feel guilty, and concerned and agitated. When he is around in general, to be honest.

So, secondly, there was another boy who I was sort of dating, and he too has become more stressful than fun. Texting and at time almost nagging to hang out, or chat.

And a third person who is more often stressful than fun for many of the same reasons.

My issue is figuring out whether it’s because I’m introverted (and therefore I am more relaxed when by myself) that they’re stressing me out with their presence, or if it’s because they’re simply too dependent. Or if it’s a mix of both. I’m simply unsure.

My interactions with people, I will freely admit, have always been a bit messed up. It got significantly worse when I went through inpatient treatment.

Why would an inpatient treatment center give me such issues? Well, sadly, it is because I was mocked.  For many different things, most of which stem from expressing myself.

I’m sure that the counselors were well intentioned and did not mean to mock me, but the patronizing tone they took when I said I was bisexual [and having it “explained” to me that I was not bisexual, but ‘try-sexual’] was liking not meant to be harmful, but his honest belief.

The mocking, chuckling disbelief when I explained that I believe in reincarnation [in a center filled largely with Christians, or at the very least, of the Abrahamic religions]. The constant questioning of my spiritual beliefs and the constant push towards a more ‘acceptable’ religious viewpoint. The constant opinion that I won’t be happy until I join the religion that my parents belong to. [Despite that it has caused me endless grief and sadness.]

The constant shaming of anyone who was different.

I understand that it is because of the program. That because many of the people who went through it were drug addicts, or otherwise genuinely troubled in such a way that the ‘tough love’ method worked.

I was not one of these people. I came into the program where my biggest issue was low self-esteem and depression.

I do believe that this affected how I interacted with people. For example, I was always shy, but until then, I had never had a panic attack due to social situations. Now people scare me. While before it was largely more crowds than anything else [being trampled, to be exact]. Now I become fearful in many social situations.

I’ll explain more later, perhaps. Once I’ve had time to think of it.

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The blog is called the Depression Adventurer, after all. Based on silly Dungeons and Dragons obsession.

So. Today I gained expereince points. Like a geek.

I went to a bar.

Alone.

To go to a fundraiser for a cause I support.

Now this is a big deal because I have anxiety. Social anxiety, actually, and I will often get panic attacks when I’m in a crowd alone. But I didn’t!

The biggest part that made me very nervous, though, besides the natural social anxiety, was that it was a lesbian bar. That I’ve been wanting to go to, but I feel silly going by myself, and I don’t want to drag a straight girl with me (and make her feel uncomfortable), or, obviously, a guy.

But I went, I had a couple drinks (didn’t even get tipsy), sat by myself despite that I got there an hour early.

I didn’t leave before it started (even though it started an hour late.)

And! Best of all! I got invited to sit with a group of cute girls. 🙂 That part really made my night! Seriously, made my night. I mean, I didn’t flirt or anything or even really talk much besides introducing myself, but it was fun nonetheless.

And I got to see my first drag show! With Drag Kings and Drag Queens and most of the funds were donated to Slutwalk SL,UT. Overall, good night. Had fun. Now to tally the experience points!

 

Going to a bar: 50

Alone: 1000

It was a lesbian bar: 500

Got there two hours before the show and stayed there: 2000

Got invited to a table with cute girls: 700

Stayed until the end of the show: 2500

Left right after the show: -500

Total: 6,250

 

Of course, now I need to figure out how many experience points I need to level up… Hm…