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I have had abusive ex-boyfriends. They made me feel worthless, they made me believe that all I was good for was sex, and they would get physically aggressive. I’m hesitant to use the words ‘physically abusive’ because that’s not exactly what it was. Neither J nor N ever actually hit me.

(Hereby I decree for ease, to refer to J as Jack* and N as Neil*)

Jack would threaten, and he would punch walls and other objects when he was mad. He would get angry to the point that I could imagine it being me, but he never hit me.

Neil was grabby. He would grab my wrists and hold them so tightly that they hurt, and he would choke me. He claimed that it was for ‘my pleasure’ (erotic afixiation), but I didn’t like it and he seemed to enjoy it a little too much.

But neither hit me or left bruises or broke bones. And I see domestic violence as such a big deal that while I will call them abusive, and while I will say that they were physically aggressive, I will not say that I go around telling people that I am a victim of domestic violence or anything like that.

Because there are too many women who will claim to be physically abused for far less of what I experienced and tarnish men’s names because they’re trying to get back at them for a bad relationship.

I hate it when people (more commonly women) will claim to have been abused, or raped, or assaulted, as a way to get back at the man. Or because they regret their decisions or they want to put the blame on someone else.

It is women like that who make real victims afraid to report. Who make the justice system so suspicious of real reports. Who make it so real abusive man and rapists go free.

And it makes me sick. I never reported Neil or Jack because I know, that since I was dating them at the time, it will be largely ignored. That because it was even someone I know, that it will be ignored.

And it’s because of these people who will lie about it that these things go unpunished.